you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
