im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
