What a fucking waste of an outfit
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
