I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
