They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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