an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
