There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
