Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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