Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
