I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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