She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
