I think i peed on brittanys purse
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
