So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
