We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
