We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
