What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
