i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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