to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
