I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
