bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
