Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
