I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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