I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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