Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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