I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Girls should come with a carfax report
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
