be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
