Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
