The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
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