Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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