Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
