I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
