In the future we'll all be gay
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
