why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
