She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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