"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
