i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
