I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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