Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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