i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
