the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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