so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize