does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
