Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
