remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate all girls vehemently.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
