I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
