his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
