Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
