Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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