Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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