so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
