she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
