Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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