Don't you send me to vm
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Actions speak louder than pants.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
