I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
