Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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