i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
