I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
