Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
