Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
